Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Madness that is Avatar Games in Second Life

Avatar Games (moderate)

There is a new blood sport in Second Life.  My 89 year old mother is pushing her walker around this morning muttering about hockey "goons" (if you know me you can figure out who the bad guys are in this scenario).  I, on the other hand, am trying to recover from the inaugural running of the LEA Avatar Games.

I was contracted to provide colour commentary for the event.  This was to be expected as I am the world's foremost authority on the beauty, tradition and history of this wonderful athletic endeavour.  I was thrilled to be involved and looked forward to educating those who had heretofore been ignorant of the subtle nuances and special skills involved in succeeding at this extraordinary physical challenge.  sigh

Avatar Games (moderate)

For those of you poor benighted fools unfamiliar with its genesis, the Avatar Games are a modern recreation of and homage to an actual historical event.  Unlike the whimpy marathon, which was born when some guy went cross country jogging,  these Games honour those who sacrificed their lives to save the planet and civilization from a homicidal extra terrestrial threat.  Those brave souls, who were previously incarcerated in an institution for the mentally deranged, did not falter or hesitate when faced with great peril and are the reason we are able to enjoy the liberty and lag we do today.

I have included all of the details of this under reported conflict in my upcoming book "The True Heroes of the Cesspool Wars". Look for it where all the better books are sold.

Avatar Games (moderate)

As I mentioned earlier, it was my duty to bring this history and an understanding of the serious importance of this momentous occasion to the masses.  Unfortunately my agent didn't inform me that I would be sharing the booth with a play by play announcer named Crap Mariner and a (supposed) expert on sports in the social network called Lauren Weyland.  It proved extremely difficult to convey the necessary gravitas when all my instincts screamed to send them to their rooms without supper. However, I stiffened my spine and took inspiration from my heroes and persevered.

Then there was the audience.  I foolishly expected that those who attended were there to admire the strength, agility and grace of the elite athletes challenging the course.  Who could fail to be inspired by a wooden doll refusing to give up at the "Wall" and fighting on until he had conquered?  Which of them could not be awed by the gritty determination required to escape the hidden cages or thrilled by that triple Salchow performed in mid air above the Refrakembacken?

Avatar Games (moderate)

Bryn Oh has done a remarkable job of building a course which reflects all that was shining and noble about our historical saviours.  It is a true test for these athletes and they appreciated the opportunity to display their skills and justify all their hard work and training.  She has also provided the audience with a Giant Wallopper to allow them to shoot at the contestants, thus recreating the real threats faced by our warriors.  Unfortunately things got a little out of hand.

Just as in the actual battles, the good guy does not always win and the clock does not lie.  I'm sure that Bryn will be able to rebuild the seating area in time for next week's event but I hope they do a better job of screening for personality disorders first.  If you are a true student of history I hope to see you there on Monday at 4:00 pm slt.  In the meantime I plan to have a serious talk with my agent. 

Avatar Games (moderate)


Kate Miranda said...

Love it!

Kara Trapdoor said...

Dang, I so wish I could have been there.. next week though..here I come.

Shockwave Plasma said...

I had a massive headache after running through that while being shot at.
I didn't even have breast bounce on high.